


For The Soul

by HumanWrites



Category: Homestuck, Humanstuck - Fandom, Sadstuck - Fandom
Genre: ...like...a lot of angst, A shit ton of emotions, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Character Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, Homelessness, Injury, M/M, Non-con mention, Other, Past Domestic Violence, Prostitution, Swearing, Violence, money problems, scary stuff, solkat - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-28
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-23 20:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4890796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HumanWrites/pseuds/HumanWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is no good way to continue after something this terrible, you just try to hang on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Water Goes in Puddles Not Shoes

Karkat looked at a door, shivering, soaked, grey sweater sagging heavily, and a wool blend sticking to his thin body. The boy looked beyond pitiful, his body stripped of all traces that he had ever once looked healthy...he hadn't really. Small droplets of water replaced others, taking the same path and the same fate, to land at his rain filled shoes.

Many things had gone wrong since he'd been kicked out of his house. He had been beaten up at school, nearly mugged, pissed on by a dog, had his butt groped on a bus...the list goes on. To make it simple, life without a roof and walls was shit. He had managed almost two weeks, eating just cheap fast food, sleeping under an emergency staircase behind a flower shop, waking up when his watch alarm beeped, washing his clothes with quarters. Karkat didn't remember the times he had friends anymore, so the small guy didn't search for them, why would they care, much less give him shelter and feed him for more than a day?

It had all gone down hill really, though to him it still seemed better than having only a house that stunk of his past.. Considering making a sign asking for money or food was still more appealing than considering if he should bring a knife to the dinner table...not one for food. Being soaked to the core and cold, wet sweater rubbing against the wound he swore would be the last, was better than it just being another one...right? He was trying to break the chain, it was simple...to people oblivious to what it was like to grow up in the way he did.

He hadn't told anyone why he had been getting to school late or why he stayed after for so long. He didn’t tell anyone he was probably the happiest, saddest, terrified, and most desperate he had ever been at the same time. Mostly because no one had asked, entirely because no one cared. However today Karkat skipped, unable to even call the school because his father had cut his phone off the ironically named family plan. He couldn't do anything anymore. He just stopped his cycle of living, unable to do much more than exist. It was until about thirty minutes after it began to pour that asking for help finally crossed his mind.

It poured as he walked to his old friend's house, lugging along his only belongings. The wet boy stood wobbly on the doorstep for a while, wondering if the other still cared. If Karkat received some rage it would be completely reasonable, he had stopped talking to the other about two months ago when everything had gotten worse. Karkat's soaked figure stood still, hair flat against his forehead. He lifted a hand, his sleeves dripping, and he knocked.

~~~

By now, it was probably obvious that Sollux Captor was one of the worst friends that someone could possibly have. He was argumentative, suffered from frequent mood swings, got headaches easily and ignored the world when they happened, and he was an asshole. It wasn't a surprise when his friend group began to dwindle to just three or four people, and it was still downhill from there. Sollux didn't blame them. He was a shitty person, in his opinion, and even his best friend had figured that out and disappeared from his life almost completely. After that, Sollux was pretty glad that he didn't have any friends. He would have lost them anyways. After Karkat skipped out, his brother was late coming home. Later than usual, that was. Sollux never asked what his brother was up to - he couldn't afford to ask. It didn't matter what Mituna was doing, after all, as long as money was somehow coming in and they both got more to eat each day than two pizza rolls. The bills came first, Sollux second, and food third. That had always been his brother's list, and somehow, the elder had made things work. When his brother's friend called saying that Mituna had been in an accident and couldn't recover, it was up to Sollux then.

Medical bills, house payments, electric bills, phone bills, Internet, and school. Those became Sollux's priorities. It was odd, how easily he fell into his brother's footsteps. After just a few weeks, he found himself figuring out why Mituna always came home late looking like he'd gotten the shit beat out of him and worse. Sollux managed. Barely. It was just a little under two months and the stress was horrible, the headaches and voices in his head worse than ever. Sometimes, Sollux was tempted to just break something. But everything cost money, and to get the couch replaced after a tirade would probably cost a bit more than a pair of jeans, which was what Sollux was saving up money for. A man had to wear something.

Just as he was about to take a shower for the first time in quite a while, having been saving the water to prevent that particular bill from being too high, there was a loud knock on the door. Cringing, Sollux assumed that it could only be someone looking for that hooker a hallway down again, someone with their condolences for a brother that may as well be dead, or one of Mituna's trashy friends come to stink up the place with the putrid scent of weed. With a sigh, he slung the towel in hand over his shoulder, one green eye and one brown glancing through the small window to figure out whether or not he should just go back to showering.

It became apparent that Sollux should not ignore the door, and practically flung it open in his haste to see if his old best friend was really standing at his doorstep in the pouring rain. 

"Holy shit," he murmured out of lack of a normal greeting, words muddling just a bit by his lisp as he stepped aside and practically played charades to get Karkat to come in.

"What the hell happened to you? Don't just fucking stand in the rain, you dumbass, there's a living room right here. Sit down, dry off, and talk to me." Sollux even had the courtesy to toss Karkat the towel.

~~~

He was shivering, whether it was because of the cold or how absolutely terrified he was, he didn't know. The most unexpected thing had just happened, someone had given a shit about his well-being. Karkat sniffled, rubbed his hands together, and dragged his bag inside. There was no way this interaction was going to be okay, he had known that when his subconscious had made him pack up what little clothes he had and hightail away from his cozy little tarp shelter next to a dumpster. Karkat took the towel and just shivered where he was standing, now sure that his trembling was caused by both fear and freezing.

He was terrified. He had left his best friend and stopped even trying to contact him the night his father gave him his third concussion. He had left his best friend. He hadn't wanted to but he had. Karkat's legs wobbled and he hiccupped like he was going to cry. No, he couldn't though, he couldn't possibly make the other pity him, not more.

He was cold and the breeze from the closing door caught the back of his neck, sending a bought of shivers through him. His shoes squished and he hesitated to do anything, knowing his voice was practically broken from the nights he had spent sobbing into damp clothes. Karkat just stood, shaking and breathing unevenly.

Last time he had talked to Sollux he had asked him "how much would I have to pay you to stay my friend?" he had never checked for an answer. Karkat took another shaky breath that left his lungs in a shaky exhale.

He was terrified. He was sad and cold and scared and alone. Karkat repeated these things to himself silently as he tried to move, to breathe correctly, to not cry. He lifted his head at last and his bottom lip quivered as he avoided looking at Sollux's face. This wasn't supposed to be how things went. He wasn't supposed to want to leave again, he wasn't supposed to feel like his chest was compressing, he wasn’t supposed to feel like he couldn't look at his best friend. But things never went how they were supposed to, did they?

Karkat crumpled to the floor and hugged his dufflebag, gripping to the only things he had, and sobbed.

~~~

Were things supposed to happen like this? Was it normal for people to show up after two months of silence and start sobbing? Sollux didn't think so, but then again, what did he know? Why did he even care? At that question, Sollux decided that he didn't actually care why Karkat was here and crying. The only thing he cared about was making sure that his friend /stopped/ crying and that he calmed down enough to feel just a bit better. It was odd, having someone other than his brother to worry about again. Mituna had taken up so much of his time now that Sollux hardly remembered how to care about anything else.

Of course, then Karkat had to show up and turn everything upside-down again. Sollux had missed Karkat so badly, and it was only now that it started weighing on him, only after Karkat had appeared again that Sollux missed him the most. Their last few words were impossible to forget, however. How much would Karkat have to pay him to remain friends? The thought was nearly comical now that Sollux had about zero dollars, which is what he'd responded with. Nothing. There was no price that Sollux had thought, back then, would limit their friendship.

Closing the door behind him, Sollux made his way over to Karkat and knelt down next to his shaking, sobbing best friend. Slowly, tentatively, as to not be pushed away, Sollux wrapped an arm around Karkat's shoulders. He held the other as he cried, running his fingers through Karkat's hair and making sure not to grip him too tightly that Karkat may feel trapped or even scared. It was just an instinct, and Sollux knew that someone had done something horrible to Karkat - he just didn't know what. On the topic of paying, Sollux would give almost any amount to know who the fuck had made Karkat cry.

"Sssh, hey, don't cry. I've got you. You know you can come over whenever you want. I'll fix you up and let you crash for a while."

It would be hard, but maybe Sollux could make the food last a little longer since two were once again in the house. It would be wonderful if Karkat could help, but Sollux wasn't going to force his friend to work to give him money for something that wasn't his problem. 

"Sound good? I can put on Netflix. I'll even let you watch a rom-com."

~~~

Karkat twisted and grabbed out, snagging the others clothes with his finger tips and clinging close. He didn't want to go back, he didn't want to live on the streets or with his Dad he just wanted it to stop. He wanted all of it to stop, for the world to cease spinning like a carousel. A choked sob caught in his throat and Karkat squeezed his eyes shut tight.

"I'm s..ssso fuckinsorry" he managed before burying his head into the other.

He didn't want to let go. Sollux was warm and alive and for the first time in so many days it felt like someone was there, like someone cared. He didn't want that to disappear.

He could barely comprehend the words his friend was speaking as he held onto him, hands so unsteady he didn't know how they were even still working. The boy's chest felt like it would explode into a million bits and he was thrown back into the spiral he seemed to get stuck in. The one where he would always end up back thinking about his father. 

"Iss...it's all my fault" Karkat knew his voice was breaking and that he was wet and probably dripping onto the other, but he didn't care. He felt selfish for not wanting to let go, but he couldn’t, not after he had just started holding on.

Tangled and matted hair fell into his face, unsure of its role in the law of physics as Karkat shook his head.

"Don...don't leave, don't leave, please don't go, I'm s-s-sorry" it was all he could say.

Only soft apologies and sniffles emitted from him until he burst into another fit of sobbing. He couldn't control it and he was trying so hard to. If he couldn't even control himself how could he do anything?

Wet wool rubbed against a raw wound at his side, he ignored the pain. His wet hair sending drops of water down his cheeks, he licked them off his lips. He breathed in the warm scent of his friend and all he wanted to do was stop acting so stupid, but his brain refused. Karkat's tattered converse were making imprints on his thighs, through his jeans, as he sat on his feet. His hands clenched in Sollux's shirt. This was awful and he wanted it to stop.

~~~

Seeing the one person he knew to be strong, the one person that was always like a constant in Sollux's life, in such a bad condition was heart-wrenching. Of course, he knew that Karkat had some problems at home, but he never knew what. Karkat was never comfortable enough to tell him, and Sollux didn't take offense at that even if Karkat should have known that he was trustworthy. Everyone has their secrets, and Karkat was normally very open. Still, this was the first time Sollux had seen Karkat break down, and he couldn't help but to be filled with rage, confusion, pity, and even something a little more than just plain care. 

"I'm not going to leave you, Karkat. I promise." 

He started slicking Karkat's hair back, trying to push the soaking-wet strands from the other's face. It was entirely impossible to tell which drops were tears and which were rain, but Sollux tried to wipe his friend's face clean of both. 

"I won't ever leave you. You know that. I've always been right here, just waiting for you to show up. Don't apologize. Why are you apologizing, you're here now, and I'm going to take care of you for a bit. Just relax. Relax. Okay? Come on, I'm going to move you to the couch in a second and find you some dry clothes." 

Voice riddled with worry, Sollux rambled on and on, trying to reassure Karkat that everything was going to be fine and that he wouldn't be left alone. It was nearly a miracle when Sollux was able to pick Karkat up, and that sent off red flags, alarms, sirens, just about everything that had ever been used to warn anyone ever. He'd never been strong enough to pick Karkat up before. Shifting his sobbing friend over to the couch, Sollux grabbed his friend's bag and started going through it to drag out some warm, mostly-dry clothes. Holding them out, Sollux then continued to try and slick back Karkat's hair. 

"Here, you need to get dressed before you get sick. I'll turn around. I'll be right here, just change really quickly, okay?"

~~~

It was too nice, everything the other was doing, and he wasn't sure exactly why Sollux cared. There was no benefit to helping the small and drenched boy who had randomly shown up in the dark rainy night. Then of course...there was common decency. He blamed that for the kindness, no one would really ever give a shit about him. He was like that half eaten sandwich someone had thrown at Karkat, it had been gross and soggy and had things god wouldn't even recognize as ingredients in it. In short, he was gross, soggy, and no one like Sollux should ever have had to deal with him. 

The stroking and talking helped more than Karkat thought possible. He hadn't listened to anyone tell him he would be fine ever. It made him want to believe the other so much. He wanted to be okay, to not be this; a puddle of a being who probably smelt of bad detergent, garbage, and wet dog. 

He was alarmed when he was lifted up and then set down. Yeah he knew he was scrawny and thin, freakishly so, but he didn't know he had lost that much weight. Given, his skinny jeans were baggier than before, but that was just because they were worn...right? He clamored into a sitting position on the couch and hugged a pillow, still hiccuping out small sounds of sorrow.

Karkat breathed in and out raggedly like his lungs were impatient or indecisive or both. He caught the clothes and dragged them behind the couch, nodding as he looked at the other. Sollux seemed panicked and worried and Karkat blamed himself as the other covered his eyes and turned around. He peeled off his jeans and boxers and sweater, each squelching on the floor. It didn't take terrible long for him to figure how how to use the draw strings on his old sweatpants, ones that hung off him like harem pants. In only about five minutes he was dressed with his shaking hands. He stood, looking rather saggy, leaning awkwardly so the cotton shirt didn't touch his wounded side.

"G..." he gulped down the fear in his throat "good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy! -C


	2. It Hurts

Really, Sollux had never considered Karkat sweet. He was the furthest from sweet possible, loud and more than a little rude. That, and Sollux never really called anyone sweet. It just wasn't a very prominent word in his vocabulary, and Sollux didn't see much of a use for it. Right now, though, he would describe Karkat as a sweet thing that needed lots of protection. With his friend so thin and afraid-looking, Sollux found himself wanting to wrap his arms around Karkat and hold him away from anything that could go wrong. There wasn't anything wrong with that, was there? 

Sollux had five minutes turned around with his eyes covered to think. Did his friend get raped or something? His family evicted? A family death? Sollux thought he remembered seeing Kankri somewhere in town, but then again, what if Karkat's brother was in just as bad a position as Mituna? Sollux had no idea what had happened to Karkat, and when the other allowed him to uncover his eyes, Sollux was immediately sitting on the couch with the other, searching his face for something that might just give away what happened. 

There was nothing there. All Sollux knew was that his friend was more upset than he'd ever been, and Sollux could only keep wiping his cheeks to keep the rain and tears from dripping down Karkat's chin. 

"Wanna tell me what happened, Karkat? It's fine if you don't. I don't like telling people my shit, honestly. I just want you to feel better. First time I've seen you cry." He just kept rambling, still not sure what to say that might reassure Karkat. 

He was going to say a bunch of random shit like he always did. Sollux was completely unaware of Karkat's injury, and pulled the other close to his side. 

"You want anything? I guess I could try and make you something. Maybe order some pizza. Something to drink? Want to take a shower? God I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say."

 

~~~

 

Sollux was close, really close and it made him self conscious. Was his hair worse than shit on grass? We're his eyes bloodshot and sticky with tears? Was he pouting too much? He chewed his cheek and sniffled, irregularly breathing still, damn his lungs. Was his wound bleeding? The questions went unasked, unanswered.

His father had been horrible, but Karkat was around longer during the abusive periods than his brother who had left. A lawyer, he had gone and got himself into Harvard, he was leaving soon. Of course Kankri hadn't been to the house for almost half a year. He had left Karkat behind along with his father. He even remembered the day a Kankri had announced he was going to leave and never come back. An hour later his father had pushed Karkat into a wall and almost killed him. He had had the knife and everything. Karkat had almost begged to die that day. Kankri still cared, Karkat knew that much, but his sibling didn't really bother showing it. 

The boy hiccuped and shifted, his side swollen and hot with pain. He didn't want to tell the other about it, he didn't want to make himself seem more pathetic...but really...what was the point anymore. So...he hugged back, just waiting for something that would lead to the inevitable finding of the slash across his side. 

A small laugh, of all things, broke the air. Sollux hadn't seen him cry before? Huh...that was strange since he cried so fucking much, though that was when he was sure he was alone. 

"God y-you're fuck-king" he sniffled, trying to smile. "Sorry." 

He failed to even lift his lips slightly up and felt horrible about it. He was growing more used to talking though. 

"I do-don't know" he shivered, still freezing "you sh-shhh-shouldn-n't be sor-sorry." 

Funny how he was the one saying that... God damn did his side hurt, he hissed lightly through clenched teeth, not pulling away from the hug.

 

~~~

 

Smiling just a split second after Karkat's laugh, Sollux clung tighter. He just wanted to hold the other, keep him calm, and maybe do a few things that weren't so platonic to cheer Karkat up. For the longest time, Sollux had been absolutely smitten. He never admitted it, though. Sollux never let Karkat know which affections really lay with him, and he was content with that for the moment. However, with Karkat sobbing and sniffling, trying to laugh and speak, Sollux just wanted to press their lips together and make everything better like it always did in the books. Books, though, weren't like real life. So Sollux restrained himself. 

Raising an eyebrow in confusion at the hiss, Sollux started paying closer attention to Karkat. He glanced along his friend's body, careful not to let his eyes linger, until he figured out that Karkat seemed to shy away from contact with his side. Very slowly, just making sure that Karkat wasn't going to freak out at any fast movements like a cat would, he lifted Karkat's shirt just enough to be able to see the angry red gash marring Karkat's pale skin. 

The muscles in Sollux's own side gave a slight sympathetic twitch at the sight, and he inhaled sharply at how bad it looked. Wondering how it hadn't gotten extremely infected yet, Sollux shook his head and ran the fingers of one hand along Karkat's spine. 

That soon stopped, and Sollux was lifting the others shirt up. Oh well, he could replace this one. He started ripping up the fabric since there weren't any bandages located in the house, and the only other thing that would help would be the single bottle of vodka that Mituna kept around for more minor situations. A huge gash like that needed a hospital visit, actually. Or just home-done stitches. Sollux began wrapping up his friend's side, tying the cloth strips tight, but not enough that it would hurt extremely badly or cause a falter in breathing. 

"Shh, relax. I've done this like fifteen times before. I'm just wrapping you up. Don't panic." He kept up the reassurances, hoping that Karkat wouldn't hate him for this.

 

~~~

 

It did alarm him when the other went quiet, seeming to look over him for imperfections or flaws. There were many, but Sollux noticed the biggest. The one that was red and raw and hurt like hell. 

He was not used to timid hands or gentle touches. He was not used to kindness or compassion. He was not used to this, how careful Sollux was even just looking at him. It made him feel strange, like he was fragile, docile, easily broken, usually none of those were true, but lately he didn't know. He wasn't used to feeling ashamed when someone was disappointed in his bothersome state, just scared. He wasn't used to this. 

The boy's skin quivered at the brush of fingertips on his back and he tensed slightly. He was quite ticklish and sensitive so the touch cause hairs to rise on the back of his neck. And then, then he was just a bit more startled as his shirt was lifted off of him. He was certainly not used to being undressed by anyone other than himself. He was not used to anyone else seeing his many scars, ones that ran down his back and front like waterfalls, breaking rapids. His eyes didn't get wider though, his posture didn't change. Even as he heard ripping of his shitty baggy t-shirt, he didn't move. 

He sat cross legged and took a deep unsteady breath before breathing out through his nose. This wasn't bad...but he still felt pathetic and he was still cold and foreign to this type of treatment. It was when cloth pressed against his irritated skin that he began to panic. Karkat’s head turned and he flinched, eyes become wide and terrified. No, no, it was just Sollux. He closed his eyes and bowed his head, listening to the other. It was just Sollux, trying to help, nothing else.

 

~~~

 

A few minutes later, Karkat was wrapped up nice and tight, and Sollux tried not to stare. He knew that Karkat had been in a bad spot, but he didn't expect quite so many scars. Karkat's pale skin was more scarred than smooth, and it just made Sollux angrier. How could anyone do that to their own child? At least, Sollux assumed that it had been Karkat's father. His friend had never been fond of the elder, and never exactly said why. Now, it was almost as if Karkat had told Sollux himself. 

Sighing, Sollux began to slide a finger along a few of the many marks on Karkat's skin. Tracing the scars, Sollux found himself wanting to erase each of them. To make everything better. 

"I'm sorry. That you got hurt like this. That no one knew. I mean, I would have done something to get you out of there if I'd known. You... You know that, right? You still trust me? You know that I wouldn't lay a hand on you if you didn't want me to." At that, Sollux removed his hand from the other just to show a point. 

He wouldn't dare hurt his best friend, as well as long-time crush. Karkat had it bad enough, it seemed, and Sollux didn't want to ruin what little trust there was between them, if Karkat even had any trust left to give. Of course, even if he was no longer touching Karkat with delicate little feather-light touches, Sollux did pull the other into a hug once again. 

He really wanted to break something now more than ever. Sollux could feel the adrenaline starting to flow through his veins at how angry he was that someone could actually repeatedly hurt Karkat like that. That someone could slice up his side and that Karkat didn't think he could go to anyone. It pissed him off so badly, and yet filled him with an ache. He had missed Karkat. He had thought that everything was okay. He had been wrong. 

"You should stay here tonight. You can sleep in my brother's room. Or mine, if you prefer. I'll take the couch or something."

 

~~~

 

It was awkward, there was a reason he had wore long sleeves and kept his clothes on at all times. He had never wanted anyone to have to see how fucking hideous his past was. He really hadn't wanted anyone to touch his scars either. He had never wanted any to feel guilty for something that was his fault. So he leaned slightly away from the soft and strange touches of Sollux's fingers.

Karkat didn't find the caressing to be enjoyable or suitable to the situation, he found it just weird. Was it just because he wasn't used to someone doing this. It had been more than three months since he had even had a hug, two since a good conversation. 

The boy felt trapped, he did, but it wasn't the type of terrified trapped. This was the type of trapped he wanted to be in, maybe not on the surface, but deep down he knew he needed someone to make him stay. However uncomfortable it made him to be handled so delicately, he hugged the other back. It was what he wanted to feel...trapped with someone, not trapped in loneliness. Karkat sniffled. He hadn't trusted anyone to care, honestly...he still didn't. But Sollux was right, he should have told someone, he shouldn't have been so stupid, idiot. 

Karkat merely nodded along to the others words, listening to how they reverberated from his throat to his chest. He felt his ear rub against the rough cotton material of Sollux's shirt, the lighter material of his own shirt rubbing at his side. It still hurt, the cut, but he didn't want to think of the pain. He just wanted to heal. He didn't want it to cross his mind at all that his father would find him, or that Sollux would throw him off the couch and bash his head into the coffee table. He didn't want this stupidity to be integrated into his brain. 

"...You should learn how to program memories" his voice was monotone with dull and tired sadness. "so you can make people like me forget they're a mistake, forget everything...:" The impact his words might have wasn't something he cared of at the moment, but he wouldn't have said them if he had cared, they were horrible. Sleep was foreign, he wasn't sure it was something he could accomplish, but he didn't dare tell the other that.

 

~~~

 

Slowly, Sollux ran his fingers through his friend's wet hair, combing through it to get the many knots out. Karkat's hair was a fucking mess, but Sollux was apparently determined to tame the damn hair beast. Really, it looked like it was sort of matted, like Karkat hadn't brushed or combed through his hair in a month or two. At the thought, he gave Karkat a gentle squeeze, still holding the other close and absolutely refusing to let go. Sollux hoped that Karkat felt protected, or at least unafraid for the moment. Sollux would never do a single thing to hurt Karkat, but he was sort of scared that Karkat didn't know that. Was that why he'd stopped talking to him? 

Blood running cold at Karkat's words, Sollux felt as if everything was crashing down around him. He was just a single teen trying to hold everything up, running in circles to stick tape on his crumbling world and tricking himself into thinking that everything was fine. Sollux had managed to stop thinking about his brother every second of the day, and now his best friend was the broken thing that needed repairs. He wanted so badly to fix Karkat right up, but metaphorical tape wasn't going to do a single thing for that one. Karkat deserved more, he deserved better, and Sollux wracked his brain for something that could possibly make Karkat feel something besides pain and emptiness. 

"Karkat..." He began, his voice almost breaking. Sollux wasn't one to show emotion, really. He got pissed and people knew it, but not because he started screaming and throwing things. He got depressed and wanted to cry quite often, but Sollux guaranteed that no one had ever seen even one tear from him. Not even Mituna. This time, though, Sollux just might cry. "You don't need to forget that you're a mistake, because it isn't true. You aren't a mistake, you matter. If you die, I don't know what I would do. I couldn't handle life without my best friend. It's not something that I want to do, not something that I even want to think about. 

"And besides, even if you are a mistake. So what? You've made lives better. Terezi's been head-over-heels for three years. We're best friends. Karkat, a lot of people like you. Look up to you. Just because one goddamn asshole that doesn't deserve to even lay eyes on you enjoys tearing you down doesn't mean that you aren't worth anything. You're worth everything to quite a few people." 

It went unspoken that Sollux was one of those people. Karkat was his everything, and it had been absolutely horrible to be ignored. Sollux just figured that if Karkat didn't want anything to do with him anymore, that there was no point in trying to regain contact. Finally, Sollux chose to end on a joke. With a little smirk, he snorted and spoke up again. "Hell, I'd suck your dick if it made you feel better."

 

~~~

 

"Well...I still want to forget. I..." he sniffed and used one of his hands to rub under his nose. Snot wiped across the back of his hand and he wiped it on his pants. "I still want to forget..." He took a deep breath and sighed. 

His father. He didn't just tear him down, he built him up. He built him like a house. One with flaws and little trap doors for the people that tried to explore his empty hall ways. He put in triggers that brought floods under the floorboards. He put ghosts in the attic. He installed cameras so Karkat could never lie. He had put sheets on a large bed sized for two, and a baseball bat on Karkat's side. 

His father had built him up and then watched people try to help but get lost at every turn. He had made it known that the architect was the one with the blueprints. His father made it clear even Karkat himself didn't know better. Then he would walk the halls and break the light bulbs. He locked Karkat in away in the mind his father made just to trap him. Not even Karkat knew how to get out. 

The boy sniffled and sobbed again, breaking into choked laughter. "Do you know what happened?" His smile was broken and tears were streaming down his face. But some part of him thought the was too hilarious because laughter was making it's way from his wet throat. 

"Because I never told you. I think if I told you half of it you migh-might want to forget too." he was clearly breaking down, powdering himself to dust, and he knew it too. 

"I could tell you where each scar, every concussion, all the fucking black eyes" his laugh sounded again and it was dry with pain "every single reason. I could tell you them all and i just want to forget. I want to forget that it hurt and...and I-" he had stopped trying to think of this as funny. He was standing and grabbing at his hair, pulling anything he could from his brain. 

"I wish I didn't have a good memory because then I could fucking just FORGET how many god damn times I didn't do anything! I wouldn't be able think about how I never had a chance to not be THIS! You would want to forget too! You-y-you-you...you-" Karkat shook, hands covering his face, his breaths too short for him to cry anymore. This was just panic.


	3. Quilts

If someone asked who the smartest kid in junior year was, there would be very little controversy. Sollux Captor, the smartest maybe in the school since his brother. Never made less than a ninety-eight in anything, and only then because he missed a day or two and didn't get the material covered. It wasn't that Sollux often gloated about it - for the longest time, he wouldn't tell anyone his grades - but things got out quickly. Be it someone talking smack because they weren't as capable, or people talking about him almost as if he were some sort of super computer. Right now, Sollux felt like a super computer. He felt obsolete. Inhuman. Useless, knowledge-less in emotions. 

It hurt. Seeing Karkat cry, hearing him sob, and not knowing what to do hurt. It hurt so badly. Sollux wanted to hold him, wanted to wipe away the tears and make that smile genuine, wanted to make everything better. Sollux didn't know how. He didn't know what to do. He was useless, he wasn't even human, how could a human ever suck so badly at showing emotions, showing concern? His best friend was sobbing, broken words weaving themselves into a sentence like a morbid painting. Karkat was beautiful. Even when he cried, when he was upset and broken and scared, he was beautiful. Sollux wanted to fix this. He wanted to not just give Karkat a temporary fix, but he wanted to watch him heal. 

"You've been through a lot. More than anyone should. More than anyone else could. Hell, more than I could stand. If I were in your position, I would have given up and died a long time ago. I'm glad you didn't. I'm so glad. Don't you ever give up, because you're here now. You're with me, and I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to help you heal, I'm going to make sure that no one ever lays a finger on you without your permission. I don't want you to hurt anymore, I don't want anyone to ever make you cry. Karkat, you deserve so much better than this. You deserve the world, you deserve someone that will build you up higher and higher and that will never let you fall." 

As selfish as it was, Sollux wanted to be that person. Sollux wanted to be the one that built Karkat up to the clouds and keep him from falling. He wanted so badly to fix his friend, but he wasn't sure how Karkat would react. Sollux had never wanted to kiss anyone more than right now. He'd never wanted to kiss away tears more than he did this very second, never wanted to confess that he was the one that would keep Karkat safe more than now. But he knew that Karkat was under a lot of stress, and that confessing would just make him cry more. So Sollux began wiping the tears away with one of his thumbs, still running his fingers through Karkat's hair. "You deserve to be happy."

 

~~~

 

He leaned into the other and cried. His throat was sore and he could barely stand. For three weeks sleep was a distant and foreign thing. He barely caught three hours of sleep a day and when he was on the streets only one of those wasn't riddle with terrifying nightmares. But right now it seemed inviting, even if it was filled with horrid images. 

He wanted more than anything to tell Sollux what he had been through. After so many years of keeping his home life hidden. After so many years of refusing to let Sollux into his house. After so long of keeping this a secret...he wanted to tell his best friend everything. He wanted to let the other know how great even the smallest gestures Sollux would make counted. He wanted to tell him exactly how the first altercation had went. He wanted to let the other know about the time Kankri had a boyfriend and was the reason his brother didn't have sex anymore. He wanted to tell him that his fourth concussion was three weeks ago when Kankri's ex had slammed his head into a wall. He wanted so much. 

This was not how to go about telling the other however. Replaying your life's story in a matter of minutes was not something accomplishable. But sleep...sleep maybe was. But first he needed to shower. 

Karkat stuffed the question of if Sollux would help him bathe himself, into his stomach. That was weird, of course the other would say no. But the boy didn't want to let his companion leave, ever, never ever again. 

Matted hair strung in every direction and he hugged Sollux as his own breathing became more frequent, more filling. His lungs stretched and it felt best when they deflated as if his chest had taken a beating from the inside out. Karkat sniffled. 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled hoarsely into Sollux's chest. "I'm sorry..."

 

~~~

 

Letting go of Karkat anytime soon absolutely was not an option. Sollux wouldn't let go of Karkat, wouldn't stop holding onto him, unless the other asked him to. He felt as if he was the only one capable of keeping Karkat safe, even if it wasn't true. A strong wind could blow the tall male over, really, so he would hardly be able to protect Karkat physically. Emotions were complicated for Sollux. He couldn't deal with them, and often let his mood swings just run their course rather than try to control them. Sollux wasn't really qualified to help anyone out with anything, and yet Karkat was here in his arms and needing help, so Sollux wasn't going to turn him down. 

"Don't apologize. Please don't apologize. You don't have to. Not with me. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm not going to ever yell at you. No matter what, Karkat, you don't need to apologize to me. I promise." Offering up just a little smile, Sollux stroked Karkat's cheek, still not giving up on his goal to wipe away each tear before it fell. It was almost impossible. Almost. Sollux was stubborn, and he was going to continue to smother Karkat in gentle affections. "I don't want you to leave. I can... Let you stay. For good. This can be your place now. I mean, my brother managed to feed two. I guess I can." 

Really, Karkat wasn't the only one that kept secrets. No one knew about his home life either, and he was surprised that Karkat wasn't asking questions. Where were his parents? Where was Mituna? Why did Sollux have dark purple bags under his eyes? There were countless questions, and Sollux was so happy that they weren't being asked. Sighing very softly, Sollux lowered his head a bit, pressing a soft little kiss to the top of Karkat's head. "I can scrape together enough. Now, do you need anything? Something to eat, water, a shower? Sleep? Hell, a massage? Anything you want, I'll give you."

 

~~~

 

It was good to hear the words, finally. They made their way through his brain and the gratification was almost instant. Kakrat's breathing became less shallow, his hands stopped digging into Sollux's shirt, he just leaned against the other. 

"For good." it was a statement. 

Karkat knew about as much as his friend about how to handle emotions, he had never had any other choice than what to feel the things inflicted upon him. It never occurred that love was anything more than a fairy tale or a plot for some romance. It had never occurred to him that he could achieve feeling anything other than sadness. So this, this small fluttering his heart made and the pang he felt when he finally realized he was making the other feel shit...it was a surprise. 

Throughout everything Karkat had been oblivious to the others state. Now he felt quite stupid for not noticing something off and he looked up at Sollux. 

"Are you paying f-f-for th-the house by-by yourself?" It was probably a jump, an assumption, but Karkat didn't care if he was wrong, all he wanted to do was help...despite the terrible state he was in to do so. 

His eyelids blinked heavily, slowly, and he swayed a bit. He was tired, this expansion of sudden emotion had made him exhausted. He yawned involuntarily, trying to stop and only succeeding in the cessation half way through. He really needed to sleep. But he wanted an answer, he needed an answer first.

~~~

"For good." He agreed, absolutely aching to kiss the other. This happened quite often. Sollux was completely, hopelessly smitten, and yet he couldn't admit it. Karkat might be disgusted. He didn't honestly know what Karkat thought about relationships, or what his sexual orientation was. Hell, even Sollux didn't know his own orientation. Not straight, obviously, but that was all he was aware of. Whenever Karkat graced the world with his little smile, however rare, Sollux wanted to kiss him. Now, despite not having a smile on his face, Sollux couldn't help but to want this. To want Karkat to be his. It was a problem. Sollux was probably obsessed at this point. 

Love was an obsession, and Sollux didn't want it gone. 

Coming up with an answer for that wasn't something that he wanted to do. Really, Sollux would rather not answer it at all, but with Karkat's expectant eyes on him, it was obvious that he couldn't quite blow the question off. Sollux gave a little sigh and wrapped an arm around Karkat's waist, drawing him close to his side. Sollux loved holding Karkat, and as horrible as it was, he was glad for the excuse to not have to let go. He never wanted to let go, and just leaned right back against Karkat, trying to stall for time. He didn't want to answer that. Suddenly, everything would become real, someone would know that he was in a bad spot, and Sollux finally couldn't pretend that things were normal if he told. 

"Yeah. I am. I have been for a couple of months now, just after...we stopped talking. Honestly I should probably be out to get some money right now, but I can't just leave you." He was afraid that when he came back, Karkat would be gone again. "I mean, it's not so bad. It's not... Horrible. I have to. I can't just lose the place. I can't stop - Mituna didn't. And I can't just let him down. I can't let him die. So I do what it takes. Anything." 

That was it. It was real, Sollux couldn't pretend anymore. It was his turn to cry now, and despite how Karkat honestly didn't smell the greatest, Sollux buried his face in his friend's hair as if trying to hide. Shoulders shaking slightly, Sollux could hardly be heard. "I don't know if I can do this."

~~~

It shocked the smaller to see his friend cry...or rather feel it. He had too, never seen the other cry and now he was in the same position as Sollux before. He pushed the others shirt back as his hands moved under the others arms. He wrapped around Sollux as much as he could and constricted. He heard people felt more comfortable if you squeezed them, the tightness would make them feel secure. It's what you do to babies, swaddling. That was what Karkat aimed for. However...apparently it wasn't the most effective on young adults. 

"You can." he paused and took his hands away. Maybe doing the same thing Sollux had done would help. He put his hands up and tangled his fingers in the others hair, which was heavenly soft compared to Karkat's. He looked up and held the other's cheeks. "Bu-ut...you don't ha-hav-ve to. Not if you don't-don't think you can. If you want it c-could be easier." He bit his lip, right now was not the best time for him to be formulating words. 

"I'm h-homeless, you're almost homeless...h-hey" he smiled weakly like he didn't know how. "Why don't we share an apartment or something...right? Like a small cheap one that's worth shit. It can have cockroaches an-and everything?" Was he helping? He couldn't tell, so he continued, just hoping he wasn't making things WORSE...like usual. 

"aaaand-and there can b-be uh...flies, lot of them and the floors will probably be s-stained, but we can live in it. And maybe the stove wi-will catch on fire every t-t-time we t-turn it on? But...uh...we can.......we can roast marshmallows...the big fist sized one-ones?"

~~~

That was absolutely ridiculous. Sollux didn't want to move away. He'd lived in this damn house his entire life, and he didn't want to downgrade to some shitty apartment filled with bugs and that probably had been occupied by some dude with STDs beforehand. Honestly, Sollux would much rather live here than live it up in that shitty of a place. He knew that Karkat was just trying to make him laugh or something along those lines, but it just made Sollux feel worse. He wasn't even capable enough to keep up the payments for three months, when Mituna had done it for years. It made him feel utterly useless, even the consideration that he would have to live in some tiny, shitty rat's den looking at walls that made him feel trapped. 

Hoping that Karkat didn't feel too badly since he didn't laugh, or even smile, Sollux shrugged. He couldn't hide his face anymore, not now that his cheeks were being cupped by Karkat, and his hetero-chromatic eyes searched everywhere except for his friend's face. Everything was happening too fast. Sollux was losing control and he hated that fact, hated that he was supposed to be intelligent and managing to make a living easier than he was. Isn't that what happened when one was smart? They got a job that paid well, more than they even needed, and they were able to live comfortably. Sollux was supposed to be smart. He was supposed to be getting a well-paying job to take care of everything. He wasn't. 

"You're not homeless," he murmured, already trying to keep from crying. Sollux didn't want to lose it. He didn't want Karkat to be the one dealing with him, when it should be the other way around. "Not... Not anymore. Okay? You live with me. As long as you want. We can live together. Mituna did it. Mituna got enough to live here, to keep our house. So I can't just wait for him to wake up and tell him.. Tell him that I managed to lose everything. That I'm useless and that I can't even keep a fucking house. I can't leave. I can't. I have to be able to do _something_. I'm managing fine so far. Just... Keeping the bills as low as they can get."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit short and a bit late, apologies! Also...it doesn't have anything to do with quilts unless you dig through the words... -C

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, this is in RP format, I hope the character switches don't mind-fuck you. We'll update soon, I promise. -C


End file.
